broken vows and an eternal promise...
12:00 am on Thursday, Jul. 31, 2003

DAY 39 Wednesday July 29, 2003

The 40 days is almost over and not only have I broken both vows I made during that time, I also had sex twice! With two different guys! I think this is a �What the fuck?� moment. It�s definitely not a Kodak moment. And guess what? I just jilled off�yes I�m as horny as ever. But that�s nothing new. I miss my cigarettes. I should be getting a carton in the mail soon�I�m crossing my fingers that maybe it will be tomorrow. Life ain�t that bad�it just seems that way sometimes. Like last night, I just wanted to have a nice conversation with my friend Bill�and every five seconds I was either angry or crying. That�s the problem with being an emotional person�it�s hard to control my emotions�if only I could do that, I bet my life would be so much better. And also I need to get over my fears. But there�s so many of them, I wouldn�t know where to start. And my laziness, that�s another problem. I tell everyone it�s because I�m tired all the time, which though it is the truth, still doesn�t change the fact that I�m lazy. Procrastination, over-indulgence, selfishness�the list goes on and on. There must be something good about me right? Well like the yin-yang, in me there is both dark and light. I�m pretty, intelligent (most of the time), creative, sarcastic (yes that can be a good thing�esp. when it makes other people laugh), persistent, talented, basically I�m a supa-star. My sensitivity is both an advantage and a disadvantage�an advantage because I�m in tune with the world around me, including the people in my life�a disadvantage because I take everything to heart, and let things and people bother me too easily. Maybe this is just what makes me me. Yet I�m sure there are things I can do to make myself a better person�maybe I will continue to write in this journal and make an indefinitely-timed vow to make myself a better person. I�m sure it will be a life-time process. It won�t be easy, that�s for sure, but I know it won�t be impossible. **Lifts up her cup** To life, to the future, to many happy days to come.

back & forth

good night - Saturday, Sept. 03, 2005
Shine - Saturday, Sept. 03, 2005
casey at the bat - Thursday, Aug. 11, 2005
Never Been Happier - Tuesday, May. 03, 2005
end of hiatus - Monday, Apr. 11, 2005

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