DAY 39 Wednesday July 29, 2003
The 40 days is almost over and not only have I broken both vows I made during that time, I also had sex twice! With two different guys! I think this is a “What the fuck?” moment. It’s definitely not a Kodak moment. And guess what? I just jilled off…yes I’m as horny as ever. But that’s nothing new. I miss my cigarettes. I should be getting a carton in the mail soon…I’m crossing my fingers that maybe it will be tomorrow. Life ain’t that bad…it just seems that way sometimes. Like last night, I just wanted to have a nice conversation with my friend Bill…and every five seconds I was either angry or crying. That’s the problem with being an emotional person…it’s hard to control my emotions…if only I could do that, I bet my life would be so much better. And also I need to get over my fears. But there’s so many of them, I wouldn’t know where to start. And my laziness, that’s another problem. I tell everyone it’s because I’m tired all the time, which though it is the truth, still doesn’t change the fact that I’m lazy. Procrastination, over-indulgence, selfishness…the list goes on and on. There must be something good about me right? Well like the yin-yang, in me there is both dark and light. I’m pretty, intelligent (most of the time), creative, sarcastic (yes that can be a good thing…esp. when it makes other people laugh), persistent, talented, basically I’m a supa-star. My sensitivity is both an advantage and a disadvantage…an advantage because I’m in tune with the world around me, including the people in my life…a disadvantage because I take everything to heart, and let things and people bother me too easily. Maybe this is just what makes me me. Yet I’m sure there are things I can do to make myself a better person…maybe I will continue to write in this journal and make an indefinitely-timed vow to make myself a better person. I’m sure it will be a life-time process. It won’t be easy, that’s for sure, but I know it won’t be impossible. **Lifts up her cup** To life, to the future, to many happy days to come.