12:14 am on Saturday, Aug. 21, 2004

The rain falls but I donít hear

My mindís on something else

My heartís beating so fast

But I donít hear the pulse

I hear your voice inside my head

But youíre the furthest thing from my mind

I feel the dread of what lays ahead

But I keep thinking of whatís left behind

I feel the sweat of a hot summerís night

Beading on my skin

I taste the salt of Chinese take-out

But I just feel the pain within

Depression permeates my soul

As I wish I was with you

But all I want is another chance

A chance to start anew


I feel depressed tonight Ė maybe itís the rain, maybe itís the pain, I donít freaking know. I have so many friends but I feel so alone. I wish I had a boyfriend right now, right here with me, to cuddle with, to hold me close and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I feel like writing / talking so maybe I will talk your ear off tonight, but Iíll just have to live with that.

Why am I so darn serious about everything? Why canít I be lighthearted and full of joy? Sometimes I am Ė the last few days or so have been great. I was happy, energetic, positive, and not crying. Why am I just the opposite of all those things now? When my mom left to go to work I was cryingÖwhether it was selfish or not, I donít know, and I donít care. Ah-hah! That got me to smile, even if it was just a little bit. Even though life feels bad right now, I know itís not. But knowing and feeling are two different things. Feelings can be very powerful, especially where Iím concerned. Why is Alexís voice and image in my head? It shouldnít be, and maybe thatís precisely the reason why. I still remember seeing him in his hot boxersÖthat really turned me on I have to admit. Hot skater boy boxers.

I have such a freaking headache. It really blows my mind. On other topics, Iím listening to my music I have saved on my computer while Iím typing this. I love music. Music saves me when Iím feeling like this. If I ever give advice again, there is one piece Iíll always giveÖNEVER START SMOKING!!! Itís such a pain in the butt. Get it, butt? Donít smokeÖlisten to music, or draw, or play video games, or do anything except smoke. Itís no goodÖand itís so hard to quit.

Iím so freaking hot. But Iíll always be cool, HEHE, especially to a few people who I will let remain anonymous. Ooh, one of my favorite bands just came on the windows media player. Ever hear of Fountains of Wayne? They are one awesome band. Have you seen the new Green Day video? Itís American Idiot and itís freaky, but cool. I like freaky Ė in more ways than one HEHE.

Well I feel better nowÖso Iíll be seeing you. RACH

back & forth

good night - Saturday, Sept. 03, 2005
Shine - Saturday, Sept. 03, 2005
casey at the bat - Thursday, Aug. 11, 2005
Never Been Happier - Tuesday, May. 03, 2005
end of hiatus - Monday, Apr. 11, 2005

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