Will I ever feel free again?
1:04 am on Monday, Nov. 03, 2003

Today was an icky-sicky tired-occasionally wired depressed-mildly obsessed kind of day. Why am I depressed? I don’t know…on the surface things appear to be going well….I’m getting disability/ SSI money finally. I get to see Bill on Wednesday (of course that means I’ll be getting some) But I still feel fat and ugly and I can’t shake the feeling that the whole world hates me and that its never gonna get any better and I’m never gonna be famous or even own my own business. When I think like this, of course I’m gonna get depressed dammit!!! Who wouldn’t get depressed thinking like that? Phil, I’m sorry we couldn’t have phone sex last night….you know I wanted to babe. I WANT YOU SO BAD, PHIL. MWAH! My ear itches, and the other one hurts…am I going deaf? WHAT! Speak up I can’t hear you dammit!

What’s up with television these days anyway? It seems like everyone is out to blaspheme Jesus. Now I know a lot of people don’t believe there even was a Jesus let alone he was the son of God…it’s one thing to say that u don’t believe…however, it is quite different when some cartoon character on a show that kids watch (even though there is a warning it is for adults) spouts stuff like F*** Jesus. Then there was the Simpsons tonight where Homer got this bracelet that said WWJD and tore it off when he found out it was Jesus not Gepetto that they were referring to. I don’t really know what religion I am right now, but despite that, that’s just plain wrong. I’m looking into Wicca and one thing Wiccans believe is that theirs is not the only path….that other religions are just as valid. So don’t knock it just cuz you don’t walk it! ‘Nuf said.

Tomorrow I go see a lawyer to see what I can do about my horrendous financial situation. It sounds like I’ll still have to pay my student loan back, but it also sounds like it’ll take care of the other crap the credit cards, the doctor bills, the amazingly high cell phone bill. What a relief that would be….even if I have to pay back the student loan…that would just be one thing to worry about…instead of trying to juggle several payments per month…It’s insane….whoever thought of the idea of credit cards, is a fucking genius…he’s also a fucking asshole….and a fucking moron. And he can go fuck himself… I f it was a female she’s a fucking bitch. Can you tell that this shit fucking pisses me off? Okay, now I’m talking like a female Eminem. I gotta stop myself…but wait a minute why? Why should I stop myself from being stupid and arrogant when everyone else is being stupid and arrogant? As Troy from NIS said, “Why is she so special?” I’m NOT special. Or maybe I am. I used to think I was special, that people loved me….now I feel like no one cares except when they get what they want…But wait a minute (again) isn’t that what I’ve been doing? Not caring unless I get what I want.. I guess what I’ve been doing has come back to me full circle. Who said life was easy? I think I did…a long time ago. I remember playing basketball with the boys next door when I was this little girl…I remember standing in snow up to my waist…I remember making snow castles and hiding inside them until I got called inside …. I remember my secret playground that was just for me….I remember enjoying solitude and not being afraid….of anything. What happened to that girl? Who is this person who is so afraid….that she doesn’t even live anymore …she just exists. Who said life was easy? Whoever it was…take me back there…I want to go back…to my innocence to my youth to my joy. I felt free…will I ever feel free again?

back & forth

good night - Saturday, Sept. 03, 2005
Shine - Saturday, Sept. 03, 2005
casey at the bat - Thursday, Aug. 11, 2005
Never Been Happier - Tuesday, May. 03, 2005
end of hiatus - Monday, Apr. 11, 2005

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